Branding Ad Vice

Creepy Stores And Websites

From time to time I’ve come across retail establishments (usually jewelry stores) that keep their doors locked.  You have to press a button to get inside.  This always seems a little unfriendly and very creepy.  Are the doors locked to keep things out or to keep them in.

I had a similar experience online today when I went to an auto dealer’s website to check out his inventory.  After I clicked the “check our inventory” button, a page opened that required me to give my full name, email address and home telephone number before they’d show me the 85 cars that matched my search requirements.  A little unfriendly and very creepy.  I thought, “What the hell is this nonsense?  I’m only looking.  I'm not giving personal information so some salesperson start bugging me.” 

The Internet allows customers to anonymously research, and compare.  And while I appreciate the value of capturing names and addresses for sales leads, my guess is that this dealer is loosing business.  I’m sure the dealer wouldn’t require me to provide identification before looking at cars on his lot (for a test-drive maybe – but not to look).  Why is he trying to invade my privacy online?

Your website is a storefront – just like your physical locations. It allows potential customers to learn more about you and to see what you have to offer.  In most cases, prospects will not jump through hoops just to look at your merchandise.  If they can’t find what they’re looking for quickly, easily and anonymously on your site, they’ll quickly, easily and anonymously go somewhere else. This dealer has locked the doors, pulled the shades, turned off the lights and turned off who knows how many prospective buyers.

Statistician Spin Cycle

In a recent post I questioned the conclustions of an analysis of the Winter ratings that satellite radio had minimal impact on local radio, because persons using radio (PUR) hadn't changed overall.   "Taint neccessarily so" says Arbitron.  PUR includes terrestrial and satellite listening.  The numbers reported by Radio Business Report (RBR) today shows a healthy trend upward in satellite radio's audience.  Seems to me that an increase in satellite listening without an increase in PUR means that some local radio stations took a hit. 

Years ago I was trout fishing on the Middle Fork of the Stanislaus River in the Sierras.  The river, fed by heavy rainfall higher up, rose from mid calf depth to thigh depth in a matter of minutes without me noticing it.  Luckily my observant wife on the bank suggested that I start paying attention before I got swept away in the current.  If you don't pay attention and react to trends you could find yourself in over your head too .

A Cure For Writer's Block

I’ve found that playing “What If?” is an excellent way to keep the creative juices flowing.  When faced with writer’s block, I look for something totally off the wall to write about.  For example:

Old Navy Announces Nationwide Search for New Canine Mascot

After the breakdown of talks between the Geiko Gecko and Old Navy, the clothing retailer has decided to return to its rrroofs - I mean roots - with a nationwide casting call for a new canine mascot to replace "Magic."  This move marks Old Navy’s first return to the wild kingdom in over five years.

“Magic,” the original Old Navy Dog, first appeared in a back-to-school campaign in July 1995. After starring in more than 60 ads, “Magic” became a free agent in early 2001 and high-tailed it over to Target purportedly to replace their mascot “Spot,” who was in difficult negotiations with the mass merchandiser. 

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. 

Although both Old Navy and Target produce outstandingly hip ads, Magic found that working for Target was no walk in the park.  "I was much more comfortable co-starring with the likes of late style icon, Carrie Donovan than with the much younger and rambunctious actors on the Target set,"  Magic was recently quoted as saying,  “By the end of the shoot, I’d be dog tired.  All that dancing and hopping around.  Woof.” 

Now retired, Magic spends his days posing for pictures (above) on the Santa Monica Pier.  He's also often seen chasing Frisbees, seagulls and his tail on the beach....

My dad said I was half a bubble off plumb at times, which a handy attitude to have when trying to save the world from bad advertising.  If you can't think of what to say,  find a diversion rather than resorting to clichés and empty promises.   Spend a half hour goofing off writing something silly.  You'll come back recharged and ready to tackle your assignment.

Arbitron Analysis Nonsense

Ratings release season is upon us again and the statisticians are out in force.  According to a story from Inside Radio:

“No significant loss of listeners to satellite” from  (Howard) Stern’s defection.

Katz researcher Maggie Hauck says “Howard Stern listeners have stuck with terrestrial radio despite all the hype.” They mostly turned to new options on the AM/FM dial. What Katz finds is that the total audience — Persons Using Radio — didn’t shrink in the Winter Arbitrons released yesterday. It was off 2% in New York, Long island and Chicago, and 1% in L.A.

Persons Using Radio isn’t the issue. Let’s look at the time spent listening trend.  Is there a difference between 1,000 people listening for 2 hours and 1,000 people listening for one hour when it comes to advertising?   The lower the time spent listening the more difficult it becomes to reach a radio listener with adequate frequency. 

And even though the number of people using radio in New York, Long Island, Chicago and L.A. are down, advertisers in those cities may take solace from knowing that overall, the audience didn’t shrink.

I am reminded of a quote from the late Dr. Neil Postman in "Technopoly."  “We must keep in mind the story of the statistician who drowned while trying to wade across a river with an average depth of four feet.  That is to say, in a culture that reveres statistics, we can never be sure what sort of nonsense will lodge in people’s heads.”

Into The Fray With Another Cliché

In his television ad, the car dealer claims “Best selection, service and price guaranteed.”  Instantly, my Cliché - O - Meter starts bouncing in the red zone and I think to myself, “or what?”  What will the dealer do for me if he doesn’t have the best selection service and price?

Rather than make an assumption that I've heard the phrase "best selection, service, and price" hundreds of times,  I put my scientist smock on to conduct an “exact phrase” Google search.

Here are the results of my five minute study:

“Best service, price and selection,” 94 page references
“Best selection, price and service,” 313 page references
“Best price, selection and service,” 335 page references
“Best selection, service and price,” 165 page references
“Best service, selection and price,” 432 page references

You get the idea. They can say it any way they want and they’re still saying absolutely nothing, nada, diddlysquat, naught, zilch, zip… sorry it must be contagious.

It’s not only car dealers who fall into this trap.  Retailers, who sell, recreational vehicles, ski clothing, pool cues, teachers’ aids, trucks, sporting goods, greeting cards, furniture, tires, mattresses, wedding dresses, promotional products (are you getting bored yet?) are all guilty of clichéatosis.  I’m not sure if these marketers (and thousands more through amber waves of grain) use these phrases out of ignorance, habit or they just don’t care what their ad writers put out there.  I am sure the American consumer has been inundated with this crap for decades.

If you have the best whatever don’t just say it – PROVE IT.  Anyone can talk the talk.  Can your business walk the walk?  If you say something is guaranteed – tell the consumer what the guarantee is.  Otherwise your prospects’ brains will toss your ad overboard along with the million or so bits of useless information it takes in every second. 

Ask yourself, “Do I believe promises of best selection, service and price when I read, see or hear it in someone else’s ad?”  Now ask yourself, “Then why would I expect others to believe me when I say it?” 

If you need help in saying it better, drop me a note and let’s talk about it.

Sales Training 101

I’ve met 1-1 with hundreds of business owners in preparation for creating ad campaigns. I’ve found that if you want to know how a business treats its customers watch how it treats its employees.  If this news report is accurate, I can just imagine how this company treats customers.  Pies, baby food and diapers for the losing sales team?  Can anyone say Glengarry Glen Ross? 

“Mommy, is it Trick or Treat time?”

“No honey, it’s an alarm salesman.  Don’t answer the door!”

Today's New Word "Videopinion"

This was going to be a post about the brilliant ad campaign for Tag® Body Spray.  But as I searched for the new “Strip Poker” ad I came across a site called Expo Television, devoted to online video opinions, reviews and product demonstrations and buying tips.

According to Expo’s Homepage:

Videopinions is another way Expo TV wants to make you a smarter shopper!

A Videopinion is YOU, showing and telling us in FULL MOTION VIDEO what you love and hate about the products and services that make your world go round. Show us everything from why you love your iPod Shuffle, to the essential baby swing that every mom needs, to the pros and cons of your electric razor.

Videopinions allows our viewers to share their own unbiased, personalized experiences with other consumers.

The reviews are hokey, crudely produced but they are real.  And real people have often been known to topple the mighty.  Here’s the review of Tag® Body Spray.  Madison Avenue it ain’t, but what would someone say if given the opportunity to upload a videopinion of your product or service?  With the low cost of cameras everyone can become a producer. 

In today’s brave new world of virtual communities it’s vital that you deliver what you promise and to keep your eyes and ears open and your fingers on the pulse of what people are saying behind your back.  If you aren’t “Googling” your business every couple of months you may miss what someone says about you good or bad.

But that’s just my opinion.

Advertising Tools

I wonder why I bother to listen to the radio at all.  There’s a tool retailer in Milwaukee holding a “Guys Tool Holiday” this weekend.  Women have enough holidays; guys need more.  I’m cool with that. 

As part of the event they’re holding a tool demo and  “sale." 

“10% off everything in stock.  Some exclusion and limitations apply.  Does not apply to generators.  The maximum discount is $50.”

They’re trying to kill me. 

Two questions.  What genius decided that 10% off is a worthwhile sale?  What other genius let him get away with saying that we’re only pretending to offer 10% off because listeners are idiots? 

Today’s lesson for ad writers:  If the conditions, qualifications and limitations take more time to read than the actual offer.  You probably don’t have a legitimate offer to begin with.  Some may disagree but if the discount only applied to junk or a bb sized portion of your inventory then save your breath.

Today’s consumers have finely tuned BS-O-Meters and since we’re all consumers the solution to BS offers is simple.  Ask yourself if you would bother to get out of your recliner and walk across the street if someone else offered the same discount and limits that you want to offer.  If the offer doesn’t pass your BS-O-Meter then it’s a sure bet you offer won’t pass either. 

Tens of thousands of advertisers need help.  I’ve committed to throw in with a dozen who want to change their world at the next “Boom Your Business” at the Wizard Of Ads in Austin June 13th through the 15th.  If you’re ready email me and let’s start the conversation.

Customer Service Thy Name Is DHL

The letters “N” “A” “S” and “E” keep rubbing off the keyboard of my 14.1” Apple iBook G4.  It takes about 3 months, but just like clockwork the letters disappear before my very eyes.  Fortunately, I purchased an Apple Care extended warranty so I have another couple of keyboards left before I’m out of luck.  But that’s a different story.

Today’s story is about the great people at DHL customer service.  Next to choosing my own airline seat, tracking express shipments online is perhaps the greatest tool of empowerment on the web.  It’s almost like watching Santa Claus fly down from the North Pole with his bag of goodies.

So imagine my shock when DHL’s tracking page indicated that my new keyboard had been delivered at 10:07 AM on April 17th, signed for by the receptionist D. Mainland.  I’m still a struggling writer.  I work from home and don’t have a receptionist unless my lovely wife answers the phone.

I call DHL customer service.  They inform me that the package has been delivered.  True, but it wasn’t delivered to me.  The customer service rep said she’d check into it and call back with-in two hours.  Yeah right.  Well she didn’t call - Amazing Theresa did – less than 2 hours later.  They had made an inquiry locally and she would call me back before the end of the day.

Shortly afterward, a friendly yellow DHL truck pulled into the drive. That was fast.  But the driver asked me if I had a package for pick-up from D Mainland.  It took a few minutes to explain that there was no D Mainland at my location.  He left completely bewildered. 

Moments later Theresa called back and said that D. Mainland wasn’t available at the address at the package’s delivery address.  After I explained that the driver had come to my house, Theresa said this was gong to take further investigation.  Should she have someone call me later in the evening or would a call by 10 AM the next day be OK?  I told her the morning would be fine.

At 8:30 the delivery guy shows up  - no package but after a few minutes of investigation he seemed to have a grasp of what needed to be done.  He knows where D Mainland works.  Theresa called back at 9:10 AM.  She gave me her personal line and if she didn’t call back soon enough with an answer, I should give her a call.

Shortly after 1 PM the delivery guy shows up again, this time with a box from Apple Computer.  He took full responsibility for the mistake.  So with new keyboard in hand, I called Theresa to tell her the problem was solved.

How often is your customer service department this vigilant?  It didn’t matter what was in the box the DHL folks were on a mission.  4 calls and 3 DHL visits in less than 24 hours and I’m happily typing away with a full set of letters. 

PS – If your Apple iBook is suffering from letterus disappearus, a silicone iSkin (sounds sort of kinky doesn’t it?) keyboard cover is said to eliminate the problem.  I’ll let you know as soon as mine shows up.

Words

If you enjoy words as much as I do, you may be interested to know that the final volume of the Oxford English Dictionary’s first edition was published on this date in 1928.  There’s an interesting story at Today In Literature.  Enjoy!