Branding Ad Vice

Hanging By A Dangling Conversation

I can see it in my clients’ eyes before they begin to speak.  “How about writing an ad where two people are talking…”

Dialogue ads more dangerous than sweating dynamite.  There are too many ways they can blow up on you.  One ad, currently airing on Milwaukee radio goes something like this: 

1st Woman:  I’ll have a double decaf organic café mocha, extra cocoa, froth heated to 140 degrees served on the side.
2nd Woman: Wow you sure know how you like your coffee.
1st Woman: Yes, now if I could only find replacement windows I’d like.
2nd Woman:  We installed (Brand Name Windows)
1st Woman:  (Brand Name) Windows?
2nd Woman:  Yes, they’re energy efficient…blah blah blah and they come in styles and sizes for every home.  We installed the Hazy Daze model blah blah blah and competitive priced with ordinary vinyl windows.

STOP THE INSANITY.

Problem 1.  The conversation isn’t real.  Unless you happen to sell replacement windows a particular model name will never come up in casual conversation.  Windows are view in much the same way as say furnaces.

“Hey Bob your house sure is nice and cozy!”
“Thanks Sue, we’re always cozy thanks to our HeatBlaster 2000 from Twane!”

I don’t even call my cat by name, I’m sure as heck not going to use the name or model number of the windows in a conversation.  I’d be lucky to remember if the manufacturer was Pella, Andersen or Bob’s Window.

Problem 2.  People generally write in complete sentences but speak in phrases.  We talk over each other we interrupt and speak at a relatively rapid pace.  Very few ad writers master the art of dialogue. That is why most of these ads sound “wrong.”

Problem 3.  Most ads (locally produced) are “read” by announcers rather than “performed” by actors.  There is very little connection or interaction between the characters. 
I read my line. 
You read yours. 
Then it’s my turn again. 

There’s no spark, no life, no realism, no reason to listen.

Radio is intimate.  Even stage actors have difficulty playing to microphone when they’ve trained their voice to reach the back of the house.  A dialogue ad should be written as something overheard in a restaurant, an elevator or a commuter train.  Your actors should focus on each other not the audience. 

I’m sure there are good dialogue ads around, but for the life of me I can’t think of any great ones.  If you would like to make a nomination click here.  In the meantime, take the following to heart:

WARNING – ADS USING DIALOGUE ARE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.  SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE, HEADACHE, LOSS OF HEARING, BOREDOM, DISBELIEF AND A POOR IMAGE FOR YOUR BUSINESS.

Just Do It

Every now and then I’ll take an hour or two to reflect on life, the universe and everything.  This has been one of those evenings.  Lives reflected in the soundtrack to “Almost Famous.”

“Walt I want to write.”  “Walt I wish I could write as well as you.”  “Walt, how do you do it?”  Hardly a week goes by without someone making one of these comments.  If you want my answer rent or buy the director’s cut of “Almost Famous.”

There’s a scene where Patrick Fugit as William Miller asks Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s character, Lester Bangs about what it takes to be a writer.  Lester looks at the kid and says, “Just F***** write!”  If there’s ever been a simpler more beautiful statement about how to become a writer, I’m not aware of it. 

Just write.  Write for yourself, write for your lover, write for your cat or write for generations unborn.  Write as if no one will ever read your words.  Write from the heart.  Write from the head.  Write something everyday even if you think your writing sucks like a Hoover.  Get it down on the screen, or a note pad or on toilet paper, but get it down.

Be joyful in your failures relish your success.  I promise, the passion or your words will be infectious. 

Well, so much for reflections on a stormy night.  Do yourself a favor, write something and send  it to me.

Time Money And Your PEF

It’s a funny thing.  Business owners all over the country tell me that their town is different.  That the only thing their customers care about is price.  Perhaps you often find yourself thinking the same thing.  But hold the cell phone.  While you could spend a lot of time chasing around trying to beat everyone’s price, there may be a few other things you can do to improve your sales and bottom line. 

This past weekend I put down the laptop and picked up a paintbrush.  For some inexplicable reason our garage door has been slowly acquiring a patina of rust for the past few years (my wife says at least 7).  A few weeks ago I said enough was enough and on Sunday I took action with a quick trip over to my local ACE Hardware to pick up oil based primer, paint and roller brushes. 

Painting gives one plenty of time to contemplate the big questions such as  “Why?”  Not why was I finally painting the garage door but why I always go to ACE Hardware.  Having tested several hypotheses, I believe it boils down to the relationship between “Time, Money and the store’s PEF (Personal Experience Factor).” 

The ACE store is marginally closer to my home than the True Value store and equidistant to K-Mart where I’m told I can also find paint.  There’s a Home Depot and Menards in town where prices would seem to be lower than at ACE.  But in my world of weekend home improvement projects price barely registers as a motivator.

Despite massive amounts of print, television and radio sale advertising by Home Depot and Menards, nothing will persuade me to drive across town through congested traffic to buy supplies for a home improvement project.  I hate traffic and crowds so unless I need something out of the ordinary like oak veneer plywood, there is no way I’ll take nearly an hour to shop the box stores.  If I happen to be in the area, remember that I need something and the parking lot isn’t too full I’ll stop.  That doesn’t happen very often.  My wife says I have too many rules.  Maybe so but they are my rules.

Now let’s consider parking lots.  My ACE store has an adequate parking lot although all of the parking spaces face toward the store, which seems rather weird.  Down the street the True Value store’s parking lot is smaller and sits between two other buildings giving it a claustrophobic sense of enclosure.  A feeling that continues inside the store as well. 

ACE and True Value have remarkably similar floor plans. I’ve only shopped True Value the last time.  I’ve only been in the store twice in the past several years, but despite the fact I “know” where things are the store makes me uncomfortable.  It isn’t well lit, the ceiling is high, and it has a tunnel like feel.  ACE, on the other hand, is well lit, wider and shorter than True Value.  It seems more open and friendlier.

In short, I go to ACE because I can find a comfortable parking spot, find (or be shown where to find) what I’m looking for and get back to work in record time which more important than saving a buck or two.

Consider your buying criteria.  Is the lowest price the only thing you base your decision on?  Why would you think your different than anyone else.  Price is important but the fact of the matter there are very few instances where prices vary much more than five or ten percent. Before you throw another sale look at your retail establishment and your competitors through your customer’s eyes.  Look at the neighborhood, parking lot, lighting and the hundred other “little things” that are a part of your customers’ experience even before they encounter your “excellent customer service.”  You don’t have to be great just better than the competition.  If your customers feel good about shopping with you, being a little more expensive won’t matter to most people.  And that’s true no matter where you go.

Failure To Communicate

Maybe it's me, but I don’t get it.  I’m deeply disturbed by one of the finalists for the 2006 Radio Mercury Awards, a showcase for some of the best and brightest people in the industry.  But I am confused (even baffled) by a thirty-second entry from JWT entitled "The Wreck" (Listen).  I'll admit I'm not normal, I've listened to the darn thing at least ten times trying to figure it out.  Normal people would just tune it out. 

There are only two things missing from this commercial – intelligibility and any (direct or indirect) mention of a product or service.  After extensive online research, the only thing I can figure out is that "The Wreck" ran concurrently with a television campaign called “What Would You Do For Love?”  Even so, as a stand alone entity, “The Wreck” is a complete waste of the listener's time.

In their quest for realism, the producers went overboard on audio effects making it nearly impossible to understand at normal listening levels.   Perhaps if this were an ad for OnStar, the Automobile Club or Honest Joe’s Towing the message might make some sense, but without a product or service reference, thirty-seconds of crappy audio provides an excellent reason to change the station.

Think of every ad in your campaign as a brick in a wall.  And while a single brick does not make the wall, set on end, it is still able to stand on its own.  You should never assume that your audience will stick around to see the entire wall, so make sure your ads make enough sense to stand on their own too.

Oh, by the way, the ad is for the Diamond Trading Company -the rough diamond sales arm of the DeBeers Group.  The same folks who brought you "Diamonds Are Forever" and the phenomenal "Shadows" campaign.  Go figure.

A Moment Of Remembrance

In 2003, Verizon Wireless spent $880,000,000 dollars to institutionalize “Can You Hear Me Now.” McDonald’s “dah dah dah dah dah, I’m Lovin It” us to death to the tune of $673,000,000 the same year.  So I find it somewhat amusing that some folks in Washington are frustrated that spending 1.5 million dollars (that’s total for operations and marketing!) over 5 years hasn’t moved the needle to get people to include a thirty second moment of remembrance to Memorial Day celebrations. 

There's a logo, pens and coasters, prewritten news articles and television spots even a song. There have been events, like a sand-sculpture display inspired by D-Day.  I don’t know about you but I’ve been pretty busy the past few years and I must have missed the memo.  Maybe it goes back to the National Holiday Act of 1971 when Memorial Day (originally called Decoration Day) was moved from May 30th to the last Monday of the month to give us another 3-day weekend.

I think a moment of remembrance is a great idea, but it takes more than a ton of money to launch a new idea.  Even as a holiday Memorial Day took some time to catch on.  First observed after the Civil War in the mid-1860’s it wasn’t until 1873 when all Northern States had proclaimed the holiday.  The Southern States refused to recognize the day until after World War 1 when it became a time to honor the dead of all wars, not just the Civil War.

We should remember those who have fallen in all wars with a moment of silence. But the moment of remembrance will be an uphill battle, much more difficult than say institutionalizing a moment of silence the morning of every September 11th.  But I’ve always admired people who battle giants and I'll observe 30 seconds of silence at 3 p.m. this Monday. 

Hidden Stories

I meet them all the time.  Advertisers and writers who try to cram everything about a business into one commercial.  These ads end up like a table of contents, only providing a brief unsatisfying glimpse of the real story.

Let's start with a script I reviewed earlier this week for a business owner.

Bob's Collision Center is locally owned and operated and has been trusted with taking care of Anytown's auto body repairs since "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest."  You can count on a happy ending with a great paint job and a clean car.  In fact, customers can stop by anytime to get a burnt headlight or bulb changed out!  Bob's Collision Center also offers car cleaning and detail packages along with stripe and graphic packages.  Complete bed liners are available!  Bob's Collision Center dot COM or just off the Road To Oz.  Call blah blah blah, Open Monday to Friday blah blah blah and Saturday blah blah blah.

There are hundreds if not thousands of ads just like this one being played as we speak.  If you've ever wondered why "advertising" doesn't work  wonder no more.  Rolling up my sleeves I performed a quick ad autopsy.  I don’t want to leave the impression that each of the following “chapters" would necessarily make a good ad, dear reader, I only wish to show you how to develop a campaign using a laundry list ad. 

1. Locally Owned And Operated (born here, raised here, it’s about helping the community and keeping the money in town rather than giving it to outsiders).
2. Happy Endings (I’m not satisfied until you’re satisfied.  Nothing gives me more happiness than restoring a car to “showroom” condition).
3. Headlight And Lamp Replacement (better to shine two lights in the darkness than be rear-ended by someone who didn’t know you were stopping.  You can see us know for lights or later for something a bit more extensive).
4. Car Cleaning And Detailing (you don’t have to wait until you back into a light pole to have a great looking car from Bob's).
5. Graphic Packages (customization for the free-spirit in each of us).
6. Bed Liners (protection where it matters most).
7. Bobs Dot Com (know your collision repair shop before you need it).

No one will intentionally hit a dear (or deer) just because they hear an ad for "Bob's."  So Bob is advertising consistently.  And when you advertise consistently, you have the luxury of being able to tell your story piece by piece rather than as a mind-numbing list that consumers tune out. 

There are 13 faces hidden in this picture..  How many stories are hidden in your ads?  Would you like some help telling them?  I look forward to hearing from you. Be safe this weekend.

McDonald's Coffee As Fashion

Today’s “You Got To Be Kidding!” award goes to the Tri-State McDonald’s franchisees for their hype-riddled press release for iced coffee.  The article reads in part:

McDonald's NYTSA restaurants are putting their delicious premium blend of coffee on ice. The new Premium Roast Iced Coffee comes in three tasty flavors, regular, hazelnut and vanilla and two great sizes, 24 oz and 32 oz, and will be available in the NYTSA McDonald's restaurants all-day, year round.

Three tasty flavors?  Two great sizes?  Clichés and hype in the same paragraph.  They should slap the writer as well as the editor for allowing mindless phrases to pass for compelling copy.

But wait there’s more:

Coffee isn't just for those morning pick-me-ups anymore, now those on-the-go New York Tri-Staters can grab a cool treat while out in the summer heat since McDonald's offers quick drive-thru service!  Produced from 100 percent whole Arabica beans and blended to perfection, the Premium Roast Iced Coffee will be a favorite "must have" beverage and accessory year round!

Not  just “must have” but a “favorite must have beverage!”  Just because you say it with conviction doesn’t make it true.  It's coffee for crying out loud and while I don’t wish to start a war of values here, it seems to me that McDonald's® coffee is no better or worse than that found at any other fast food restaurant.   

And while we're at it, are there really that many consumers who consider coffee of any kind an accessory?  I can see it now McDonald's® coffee cups conspicuously shown off on subways all over New York City. 

I can see scenes from the next round of McDonalds® ads:

"Gosh Bill, you used to be such a dork, but you drink McDonald's® Iced Coffee.  How could I have been so wrong?"

“Sally, your coffee cup earrings are divine!”
“They’re not just any coffee cups, Beth they’re from McDonald's®”

“Hey Frank!  Drinking and wearing McDonald's® Iced Coffee?  You are one cool dude!”

It’s enough to drive you to drink.

A Quagmire Of Classmates

If someone is unhappy with your service and wants to stop doing business with you after you’ve tried to resolve the issue get over it and move on.  Don’t try to be tricky or evasive, especially if you accept cancellations online. 

A little over three months ago I received an email from Classmates.com telling me an old (as in from a long time ago) girlfriend had sent me a note.  Great! From time to time I’ve thought about her.  There was only one catch (isn’t there always?) I needed to upgrade my free account to a “Gold” Membership.  For only fifteen dollars for 3 months I would be able to read about her life, family, and career.  I wasn’t about to pay an annual fee since I’d gotten along fine with a free membership for 5 or 6 years.  Her note read, “Hi, I saw your name and wondered what you were up to” so much for her $15 autobiography.

Last week I received another email from Classmates thanking me for my membership renewal.  “What’s This?”  I log on sing in and find that somehow I have an automatic renewal.  Actually the automatic renewal is the default setting.  The language on the billing page is a little tricky.  But I will accept full responsibility for not paying attention. 

I went to the FAQ page for information on how to cancel my Gold Membership.  Seemed easy enough.  Said to contact member services.  Unfortunately there is no link, no apparent way to contact customer service via the website.  I felt myself sinking into the muck.  I couldn’t find a phone number an email or regular address for customer service.  Help me!  I'm sinking!  I'd had enough and decided to cancel everything including my free membership.  There isn't wasn't a "I'M POD" box to check for the  reason  for the cancellation so I checked "other."   Evidently I’m not the only one taken in by their marketing practices or they can read minds because the next day I received an email, which stated in part:

Thank you for contacting Classmates.  I'd be more than happy to assist you.

While purchasing your Gold membership, you were enrolled in the automatic renewal program so that you wouldn’t experience any interruption to your Gold membership benefits.  The automatic renewal information was provided to you on the credit card payment page of the Gold membership purchase process.  We leave it up to each member to remove themselves from this program if they do not wish to participate by making the change in their "my account" area.

Now I had thought I had already cancelled my membership but a bit later on in the email….

You may cancel your Gold membership at any time by responding to this email; however, per the Terms of Service, you will forfeit your membership fee and your Gold membership benefits.

Welcome to my nightmare.  I think I’m out of Classmates Gold, but I’m still not 100% certain. 

I don’t like losing customers but relationships don’t always work out.  I’ve only had three clients fire me in the last 5 years and I had to pull the plug on three who weren’t living up to their end of the agreement.  Even though my paperwork requires written notice I’ve never made it an issue.  It’s bad enough to go through a divorce without toss gasoline on the fire. 

When a customer wants to leave, make it as easy as possible.  Perhaps they’ll remember the good rather than the bad times. 

Brick And Mortar Blues

How often do customers leave your store empty-handed?  Having the right inventory on hand is one of the keys to increasing your sales.  Case in point, my office phone died and I wanted to replace it and several other $9.99 specials around the house.  Several months ago I’d gone online and learned the differences between 2.4 and 5.8GHz.  I’d even found exactly what I wanted (a small base with two wireless handsets) in about a half-hour.  I wasn’t ready to buy at the time and I had to go out anyway so I figured I’d just buy locally. Should only take a few minutes right? 

I drove over to Office Max, they had a display unit that was pretty close to what I was looking for.  But they were sold out.  They were sold out of the one other system that would have worked too.  I spent 15 minutes or so looking at my remaining options.  I didn’t care much for what they had in stock so I drove across the street to Best Buy.  After another 15 minutes reading specs and not finding what I wanted.  I took my rising frustration next door to Circuit City.

After wandering around looking for phones for about 5 minutes before I asked directions.  A very nice salesperson actually walked me over to the phone section.  Circuit City had the type of extension phones I was looking for but no matching base station.  They also had a base station I liked but no matching extension handsets.   Sometimes you just can’t win.  Just before I decided to leave I noticed the sign that stated, To see all our phones go to www.circuitcity.com.”  Great, another twenty minutes down the drain.

I’d wasted enough time.  I returned to Best Buy spent another 10 minutes before settling on something passable.  What took less than a half hour online took the better part of 2 hours driving to and shopping in traditional stores and still not finding exactly what I wanted.

Take a lesson from WalMart.   Have what the customer wants when the customer wants it.  If it’s selling keep it stocked no matter how many “similar” products remain in your inventory.  In this ever-increasing age of consumer control, not having what they’re looking for is an invitation to buy online and pay a little extra for express shipping or to shop WalMart.

Beyond Clichés

A prospective client was reading an example of his radio ads the other day.  He started out well creating a good mental image then, a little more than halfway through the script, he drifted out of the current with claims of  “selection, service and our low price guarantee.”  Oops, been there, done that, got the T-Shirt. 

When he’d finished, I asked him about his low price “guarantee.”  Turns out if you find the same item within 30 days someplace else he’ll refund the difference plus 10%.  The problem is he’s never put that information in his advertising.  American consumers have been fed a diet of empty promises for so long that no one pays attention anymore.   If I ran the store (and of course I don’t) I’d make a bold guarantee - pay double the difference not just the difference plus 10% - then promote the daylights out of it.

…. While other stores spend tens of thousands of dollars promoting their “sales,” we put our money where it does the most good - in your pocket.  We’re so confident of our every day low prices that we’ll refund double the difference if you find the same item for less within 30 days of purchase.  Double the difference – so sale or no sale, if you’re looking for x you’ll find it for less at Walt’s.

Unsubstantiated claims are little more than clichés cast aside by the brain as soon as they are heard.  Share the significant consequences of not delivering on your promise in your ads and your advertising becomes more effective.  Need some help?