Branding Ad Vice

For All Your Pet Peeve Needs

The shortest distance between two headaches is the use of “for all your (blank) needs” in an advertisement. One of the websites I came across during my drafting stool adventure assured me that the company had “all my stool, chair, and office furniture needs.”  I didn't want to discuss my “stool needs” with a stranger, but since they didn’t have the information I was looking for they didn’t have what I needed anyway.   

Using “for all your needs” is a sign of a lazy writer.  So how did an insurance agency’s ad writer managed to make it into work the day he or she used the phrase “for all your insurance needs” three times in one sixty-second ad?  I thought my head was going to explode. 

Four new entries to my growing list of “needs” were added in the past few weeks.  “For all your dry cleaning needs,” “for all your outdoor grilling needs,” “for all your computer learning needs” (compliments of the infomercial guy) and “for all your swimming pool needs.”  Is it any wonder that my devil-may-care light brown hair is turning gray?

I’m waiting for a cooking school to come out with “for all your kneading needs” and for a funeral home to use “for all your pre-need needs.”

In the meantime, if you see my pet, Peeve; tell him all is forgiven and to please come home. 

BusinessWeek - Five Words to Never Use in an Ad

Some very good advice from the latest BusinessWeek.  I'd like to meet the author.

You Who?

Today’s tip for aspiring ad writers:  When addressing a mass-market audience do not use the word “you” when referring to a specific group. 

Here’s an example from an “Hour Detroit Magazine” press release:  “…as we celebrate the Best of Detroit as voted by you - our readers.”  In this instance, “you” is inaccurate since “I” have never read “Hour Detroit.”  Eliminating “you” also improves the flow of your message.  “…The Best of Detroit, as voted by our readers,”

I’ll keep the press release on hand as an example of the excessive use of adjectives and alliteration.

Immerse your senses in our town's most precious gems.*  Enjoy creative cocktails, tantalizing tastes, exciting entertainment, sensational style and brilliant beauty at the first-ever Best of Detroit party Thursday, June 22 at the Max M. Fisher Music Center.

*They missed a grand opportunity to toss in “ our town's most glitteringly gaudy gorgeous gems.”

Write Good!

Hanging By A Dangling Conversation

I can see it in my clients’ eyes before they begin to speak.  “How about writing an ad where two people are talking…”

Dialogue ads more dangerous than sweating dynamite.  There are too many ways they can blow up on you.  One ad, currently airing on Milwaukee radio goes something like this: 

1st Woman:  I’ll have a double decaf organic café mocha, extra cocoa, froth heated to 140 degrees served on the side.
2nd Woman: Wow you sure know how you like your coffee.
1st Woman: Yes, now if I could only find replacement windows I’d like.
2nd Woman:  We installed (Brand Name Windows)
1st Woman:  (Brand Name) Windows?
2nd Woman:  Yes, they’re energy efficient…blah blah blah and they come in styles and sizes for every home.  We installed the Hazy Daze model blah blah blah and competitive priced with ordinary vinyl windows.

STOP THE INSANITY.

Problem 1.  The conversation isn’t real.  Unless you happen to sell replacement windows a particular model name will never come up in casual conversation.  Windows are view in much the same way as say furnaces.

“Hey Bob your house sure is nice and cozy!”
“Thanks Sue, we’re always cozy thanks to our HeatBlaster 2000 from Twane!”

I don’t even call my cat by name, I’m sure as heck not going to use the name or model number of the windows in a conversation.  I’d be lucky to remember if the manufacturer was Pella, Andersen or Bob’s Window.

Problem 2.  People generally write in complete sentences but speak in phrases.  We talk over each other we interrupt and speak at a relatively rapid pace.  Very few ad writers master the art of dialogue. That is why most of these ads sound “wrong.”

Problem 3.  Most ads (locally produced) are “read” by announcers rather than “performed” by actors.  There is very little connection or interaction between the characters. 
I read my line. 
You read yours. 
Then it’s my turn again. 

There’s no spark, no life, no realism, no reason to listen.

Radio is intimate.  Even stage actors have difficulty playing to microphone when they’ve trained their voice to reach the back of the house.  A dialogue ad should be written as something overheard in a restaurant, an elevator or a commuter train.  Your actors should focus on each other not the audience. 

I’m sure there are good dialogue ads around, but for the life of me I can’t think of any great ones.  If you would like to make a nomination click here.  In the meantime, take the following to heart:

WARNING – ADS USING DIALOGUE ARE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.  SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE, HEADACHE, LOSS OF HEARING, BOREDOM, DISBELIEF AND A POOR IMAGE FOR YOUR BUSINESS.

Failure To Communicate

Maybe it's me, but I don’t get it.  I’m deeply disturbed by one of the finalists for the 2006 Radio Mercury Awards, a showcase for some of the best and brightest people in the industry.  But I am confused (even baffled) by a thirty-second entry from JWT entitled "The Wreck" (Listen).  I'll admit I'm not normal, I've listened to the darn thing at least ten times trying to figure it out.  Normal people would just tune it out. 

There are only two things missing from this commercial – intelligibility and any (direct or indirect) mention of a product or service.  After extensive online research, the only thing I can figure out is that "The Wreck" ran concurrently with a television campaign called “What Would You Do For Love?”  Even so, as a stand alone entity, “The Wreck” is a complete waste of the listener's time.

In their quest for realism, the producers went overboard on audio effects making it nearly impossible to understand at normal listening levels.   Perhaps if this were an ad for OnStar, the Automobile Club or Honest Joe’s Towing the message might make some sense, but without a product or service reference, thirty-seconds of crappy audio provides an excellent reason to change the station.

Think of every ad in your campaign as a brick in a wall.  And while a single brick does not make the wall, set on end, it is still able to stand on its own.  You should never assume that your audience will stick around to see the entire wall, so make sure your ads make enough sense to stand on their own too.

Oh, by the way, the ad is for the Diamond Trading Company -the rough diamond sales arm of the DeBeers Group.  The same folks who brought you "Diamonds Are Forever" and the phenomenal "Shadows" campaign.  Go figure.

Hidden Stories

I meet them all the time.  Advertisers and writers who try to cram everything about a business into one commercial.  These ads end up like a table of contents, only providing a brief unsatisfying glimpse of the real story.

Let's start with a script I reviewed earlier this week for a business owner.

Bob's Collision Center is locally owned and operated and has been trusted with taking care of Anytown's auto body repairs since "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest."  You can count on a happy ending with a great paint job and a clean car.  In fact, customers can stop by anytime to get a burnt headlight or bulb changed out!  Bob's Collision Center also offers car cleaning and detail packages along with stripe and graphic packages.  Complete bed liners are available!  Bob's Collision Center dot COM or just off the Road To Oz.  Call blah blah blah, Open Monday to Friday blah blah blah and Saturday blah blah blah.

There are hundreds if not thousands of ads just like this one being played as we speak.  If you've ever wondered why "advertising" doesn't work  wonder no more.  Rolling up my sleeves I performed a quick ad autopsy.  I don’t want to leave the impression that each of the following “chapters" would necessarily make a good ad, dear reader, I only wish to show you how to develop a campaign using a laundry list ad. 

1. Locally Owned And Operated (born here, raised here, it’s about helping the community and keeping the money in town rather than giving it to outsiders).
2. Happy Endings (I’m not satisfied until you’re satisfied.  Nothing gives me more happiness than restoring a car to “showroom” condition).
3. Headlight And Lamp Replacement (better to shine two lights in the darkness than be rear-ended by someone who didn’t know you were stopping.  You can see us know for lights or later for something a bit more extensive).
4. Car Cleaning And Detailing (you don’t have to wait until you back into a light pole to have a great looking car from Bob's).
5. Graphic Packages (customization for the free-spirit in each of us).
6. Bed Liners (protection where it matters most).
7. Bobs Dot Com (know your collision repair shop before you need it).

No one will intentionally hit a dear (or deer) just because they hear an ad for "Bob's."  So Bob is advertising consistently.  And when you advertise consistently, you have the luxury of being able to tell your story piece by piece rather than as a mind-numbing list that consumers tune out. 

There are 13 faces hidden in this picture..  How many stories are hidden in your ads?  Would you like some help telling them?  I look forward to hearing from you. Be safe this weekend.

Advertising Humbug

From an 81/2 x 11 inch advertising insert in last Sunday's newspaper:

                                                    

We will perform Hearing Screenings AT NO CHARGE for the first 30 callers to determine if you are a candidate for amplification. Applicants that are selected will be asked to wear the latest hearing aid technology.  You will be allowed to hear all the things you may be missing.  Participants who wish to keep the instruments can do so at a tremendous savings.  This offer is good at time of appointment so call now

                        Candidates will be selected by May 31, 2006.

                        Those interested need to call for an appointment

                        Coupon Expires May 31, 2006

Humbug!

My BS-O-Meter started clicking faster than a Geiger counter at 3 Mile Island.  There is nothing in this text that is legally actionable, but it’s misleading as hell and I’m sure several hundred people responded thinking they were getting something special. 

This type of advertising hype is out – honest, real communication is in.  Come on, I bet this company tests anyone anytime for free and if you take the test you'll have to deal with high pressure sales tactics and endless follow-up phone calls.  False time and/or quantity limits and meaningless or vague deadlines destroys credibility.  Statements such as, “Hurry sales ends soon” drive me crazy too, but we’ll deal with that another time (the statements, not my craziness). 

Tips for the ad writer:

Pick a personal pronoun perspective and stick with it.  This ad bounces between third person (they) and second person (you) so often, the reader becomes dizzy. 

Watch your syntax.  Exactly how will performing "hearing screenings for the first 30 callers" determine if I am a candidate for amplification? 

Watch the use of industry buzzwords - "amplification?"

Use the passive voice sparingly.  Half of the sentences in this ad are passive.  Not that anyone would notice.

Remember,  if you want better response write better ads.

A Cure For Writer's Block

I’ve found that playing “What If?” is an excellent way to keep the creative juices flowing.  When faced with writer’s block, I look for something totally off the wall to write about.  For example:

Old Navy Announces Nationwide Search for New Canine Mascot

After the breakdown of talks between the Geiko Gecko and Old Navy, the clothing retailer has decided to return to its rrroofs - I mean roots - with a nationwide casting call for a new canine mascot to replace "Magic."  This move marks Old Navy’s first return to the wild kingdom in over five years.

“Magic,” the original Old Navy Dog, first appeared in a back-to-school campaign in July 1995. After starring in more than 60 ads, “Magic” became a free agent in early 2001 and high-tailed it over to Target purportedly to replace their mascot “Spot,” who was in difficult negotiations with the mass merchandiser. 

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. 

Although both Old Navy and Target produce outstandingly hip ads, Magic found that working for Target was no walk in the park.  "I was much more comfortable co-starring with the likes of late style icon, Carrie Donovan than with the much younger and rambunctious actors on the Target set,"  Magic was recently quoted as saying,  “By the end of the shoot, I’d be dog tired.  All that dancing and hopping around.  Woof.” 

Now retired, Magic spends his days posing for pictures (above) on the Santa Monica Pier.  He's also often seen chasing Frisbees, seagulls and his tail on the beach....

My dad said I was half a bubble off plumb at times, which a handy attitude to have when trying to save the world from bad advertising.  If you can't think of what to say,  find a diversion rather than resorting to clichés and empty promises.   Spend a half hour goofing off writing something silly.  You'll come back recharged and ready to tackle your assignment.